Well, hello daaarrling.
Lately, I've been so busy with work and dancing I have barely had time to write, also I think I may have, overnight, become a self-diagnosing internet hypochondriac.
I'm going to the sexual health clinic today to find out if I have anything icky, I'm pretty sure I have nothing to worry about. But I haven't been feeling all that well lately so last nigh I jumped on-line. What a mistake!
I researched rising trends in STI's and found out that the up and coming disease in Melbourne's gay community is, wait for it, wait some more, ...............OMFG SYPHILUS...............!
So I researched the symptoms, and now have my self firmly convinced that I'm in the early stages of SYPHILUS! OH MY FUCKING GOD, I'M A DIRTY 18TH CENTURY LONDON WHORE AND I'M GONNA GET CHOPPED UP BY THE RIPPER BEFORE THE SYPH CAN KILL MEEEEEE...! WWWAAAAAAAIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL....!
It's not all that bad, :) keep in mind I've not yet seen a doctor. I am really only guessing, fuelled on by the Internet Info-hwy and a backwards brain. I probably have nothing wrong with me at all. Well there's a lot wrong with me actually, but that stuff usually comes in the form of mental instability and lack of social tact.
And for those of you who know me well enough, today is finally the day I get to have a haircut, my last haircut was 7.5weeks ago. I'm going crazee..! Not only have I waited 7.5 weeks, but I have to wait till 4.45pm today, my appointment at the clinic is at 12.30pm! Fuck you Jan, fuck you hard, you go to hell and you die!
So yeah, my day will eventually be a good one, providing I don't have any VENEREAL DISEASES! lol, I'm such a retard. Have an awesome day peeps. LOVE RESPECT ACCEPTANCE.
Thursday, 5 May 2011
Friday, 22 April 2011
OMG IT'S FUCKING EASTER...!
So this is going to be quick, pay attention please.
It may get confusing, I am very tired and have been working like a third world sweatshop worker for two days, I need sleep.
It's that time of year again, that's right retards it's EASTER.
Easter sux for me, it really does, don't get me wrong I love the concept of the Easter Bunny and chocolate eggs are amazing. What else do people eat at Easter, specifically on Good Friday? F-I-S-H, FISH! I work in a fish shop. Do you work in a fish shop? I didn't think so, but that's not the point, the point is that when Easter rolls it's ugly head around the corner my feet and back start to ache.
My head,
shoulders,
knees and toes,
knees and toes,
knees and toes.
I and a workmate of mine, had to flour and help cook an obscene amount of fish. Just how much?
Is Alexi just being an exaggerative cunt?
well no, I'm not. (keep in mind, we're a local "High St" Fish and Chip Shop. In quite a smallish suburb).
almost 1000 fillets of fish
80kg of scallops (shellfish)
same of Prawns, Fish-bites (mini fillets) and fresh Calamari rings. But it doesn't stop there, oh no sir-ree, no it doesn't. My main job is to cook all the grilled and non-fish meals, I still had to do that too.
I'm tired of complaining, I'm not really complaining though, so if you're my boss or a friend of my boss or a co-worker, family member, third party associate..... You get the picture. I'm not complaining! I like my job and the people I work with. I just like to vent my inner psyche on-line as I've recently discovered it to be quite cathartic.
Hospitality ruined Christmas in 2003, New Years Eve in 2008 and now this very year, 2011 marks the birth of the day, that Hospitality ruined Easter for the Alexisaurus Rex.
If you paid strict attention, I wouldn't point this out, but since I'm not in front of you and can't quite gauge your thought's, I'll make obvious the underlying point of my irrational rant.
In 2003 I had to work a 12 hour shift in a kitchen on Xmas Eve/morning. 2008 was the year I had to work in the deli on NYE until exactly 12AM. 2011, Easter Friday, Saturday and Sunday were and still will be spent in a commercial kitchen. :( End point: My career choice has really backfired in a big way, and as long as I stay in hospitality Xmas, Easter, NYE and any other little public holiday will be ruined by the Hospitality Monster and his band of Inconvenient OHS officers/thugs.
Peace out peeps,
preach ACCEPTANCE not TOLERANCE.
Alexi, :)
It may get confusing, I am very tired and have been working like a third world sweatshop worker for two days, I need sleep.
It's that time of year again, that's right retards it's EASTER.
Easter sux for me, it really does, don't get me wrong I love the concept of the Easter Bunny and chocolate eggs are amazing. What else do people eat at Easter, specifically on Good Friday? F-I-S-H, FISH! I work in a fish shop. Do you work in a fish shop? I didn't think so, but that's not the point, the point is that when Easter rolls it's ugly head around the corner my feet and back start to ache.
My head,
shoulders,
knees and toes,
knees and toes,
knees and toes.
Remember that rhyme from kindergarten? lol
I and a workmate of mine, had to flour and help cook an obscene amount of fish. Just how much?
Is Alexi just being an exaggerative cunt?
well no, I'm not. (keep in mind, we're a local "High St" Fish and Chip Shop. In quite a smallish suburb).
almost 1000 fillets of fish
80kg of scallops (shellfish)
same of Prawns, Fish-bites (mini fillets) and fresh Calamari rings. But it doesn't stop there, oh no sir-ree, no it doesn't. My main job is to cook all the grilled and non-fish meals, I still had to do that too.
I'm tired of complaining, I'm not really complaining though, so if you're my boss or a friend of my boss or a co-worker, family member, third party associate..... You get the picture. I'm not complaining! I like my job and the people I work with. I just like to vent my inner psyche on-line as I've recently discovered it to be quite cathartic.
Hospitality ruined Christmas in 2003, New Years Eve in 2008 and now this very year, 2011 marks the birth of the day, that Hospitality ruined Easter for the Alexisaurus Rex.
If you paid strict attention, I wouldn't point this out, but since I'm not in front of you and can't quite gauge your thought's, I'll make obvious the underlying point of my irrational rant.
In 2003 I had to work a 12 hour shift in a kitchen on Xmas Eve/morning. 2008 was the year I had to work in the deli on NYE until exactly 12AM. 2011, Easter Friday, Saturday and Sunday were and still will be spent in a commercial kitchen. :( End point: My career choice has really backfired in a big way, and as long as I stay in hospitality Xmas, Easter, NYE and any other little public holiday will be ruined by the Hospitality Monster and his band of Inconvenient OHS officers/thugs.
Peace out peeps,
preach ACCEPTANCE not TOLERANCE.
Alexi, :)
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Dramatic Alexi is Dramatic...!
So sometimes I over-react, doesn't everybody? Obviously there was no grease monster at work but I swear my tummy sounded evil. The whole thought process did happen though, and in hindsight that's probably why it took so long to fill the fridge. I often have extended daydreams especially when there's no one around to keep me company, my boss may as well be a recluse because he never talks. Only when he wants to point out your not doing enough. Anyhoo, I have a surprise for you, Imagine if you will the Cheshire cat's grin and then superimpose it to my face..........I GOT MY MOTHERFUCKEN MARS BAR IN BATTER BITCHES....! SUCK ON IT! It was like heaven wrapped in orgasms, fried in angel tears, I'm getting all teary eyed at the thought. Damn it now I want another one. I just ate it literally 5 min's ago. there's probably some left, hang on a tic. paper bag rustles. YUMMO! god I'm a pig. :)
Goodnight all......sweet dreams in noddy land, say hello to the fairies for me.
Goodnight all......sweet dreams in noddy land, say hello to the fairies for me.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
U CAN'T EAT ME! I SAID NO..! FUCK OFF I'M HOT AND I'M STAYING HOT.
So I was working the first half of my split-shift at the shop today, about half-way through I thought I could hear something. I forgot about it and went back to cleaning the hoods. Then when I was compressing the hamburger patties I heard it again. But this time I also felt it, "Oh good" I thought, "It's not some evil grease monster lurking behind the fryer hoods just waiting to chew my arms off". THANK FUCK..! No I was just hungry, so I accepted that I was hungry, I only had 2 hours to go before I could leave and I would sort it out straight after work.
My stomach had OTHER ideas.
Almost as soon as I'd thought about eating something it was all I could friggin think about. I would have happily chowed down on the 15 kg's of raw flattened hamburger patties in front of me, but I didn't because I know what E-Coli is and I need my job, because we all have to pay our way..!
So there I was flattening delicious meaty product and cursing my stupid brain for not having the get up and go to remind me to eat breakfast (or I could have gotten out of bed earlier than 40min's before my shift started) should've could've would've, meh.
IT DIDN'T STOP THERE..! pulls out hair and stabs self in eyes.
Everything I did reminded me of food, I was crating empty boxes for the recycle truck to pick up and all I could think of was breakfast, any breakfast at all, eggs and bacon, corn flakes, fruit and custard, ANYTHING..! After I finished the on the boxes I had to get the batter ready and after I did that I refilled the fridge starting with small items, Mars Bars to be exact, OH MY FUCKING GOD I NEED A MARS BAR IN BATTER....STUPID COGNITIVE THOUGHT PROCESSING BRAIN, FUCK OFF..! Once I filled the fridge we got a little busy, what do people order? Souvlaki's and Hamburgers..........
My mind today, in a Nutshell:
Wake up 40 min's before shift
forget to eat breakfast
arrive at work
start cleaning fryer hoods
hear imaginary monster
have slight panic attack as you envision the grease monster eat your arms off
realise it's your tummy saying feed me.
BREAKFAST
BACON AND EGGS
CORN FLAKES
FRUIT AND CUSTARD
FUCKING MARS BAR IN FUCKING BATTER
SOUVLAKI
HAMBURGER
And this is where I start spiralling downwards into a hunger induced state of paranoia and confusion.
Will my stomach start to eat itself from sheer hunger? why is this even happening to me? what did I do to deserve this......?, Hi there, welcome to John's Fresh Catch, How can I help you today? blah blah order, change order blah, that comes to blah, you are ticket number 89 please take a seat. "MARS BAR IN BATTER MOTHERFUCKER". ARGH..! I'm going crazy from hunger.
Finally my shift ended, I got in my car and started to drive home, only to remember it was time for my stitches to come out, (I'll elaborate later) So I go and have my stitches removed and all the while can't stop thinking about my ever encompassing need to FUCKING EAT..!
Finally, nurse bitch stops cutting me and I can leave, YAY..! FOOD BABY HERE I COME..!
Get home, Put on pot of water, throw various amounts of high-flavour concentrated tomato products and olive oil in a pan, cook while boiling pasta, wait and wait and wait (I'm actually watching the pasta cook).
WOOT WOOT! IT'S FUCKING READY, HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU UNIVERSE YOU CUNT I FUCKING WON, I'M GONNA CHOW THIS FUCKER DOWN, YEEEAAAAHHHHH...!
And then I remembered why not to curse the universe, because as soon as I had the first mouth full I knew that I had angered the stars and they were exacting sweet revenge in a dish served way too hot. OUCH, FUCKER THAT HURT..! I said to the bowl, trying not to curse at the universe again.
So all I could think about was eating all friggin day and after all the things I had to go through to get to that bowl of delicious, delicious pasta, it was too hot and I burnt my mouth. So all I wanted, was to eat and what I got was a big bowl of fuck you. my bowl of pasta sat there staring into my soul and told me to FUCK OFF YOU STUPID CUNT, I'M WAY TOO HOT FOR YOU AND YOU KNOW IT! I'M STAYIN HOT FOR AGES AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT YOU FILTHY CUNT..! (I love the word cunt)
So the moral of the story today is that we should definitely eat a big breakfast or the grease monster will try to eat our arms off while our stomachs eat themselves and bowls of food exact sweet revenge for the universe.
My stomach had OTHER ideas.
Almost as soon as I'd thought about eating something it was all I could friggin think about. I would have happily chowed down on the 15 kg's of raw flattened hamburger patties in front of me, but I didn't because I know what E-Coli is and I need my job, because we all have to pay our way..!
So there I was flattening delicious meaty product and cursing my stupid brain for not having the get up and go to remind me to eat breakfast (or I could have gotten out of bed earlier than 40min's before my shift started) should've could've would've, meh.
IT DIDN'T STOP THERE..! pulls out hair and stabs self in eyes.
Everything I did reminded me of food, I was crating empty boxes for the recycle truck to pick up and all I could think of was breakfast, any breakfast at all, eggs and bacon, corn flakes, fruit and custard, ANYTHING..! After I finished the on the boxes I had to get the batter ready and after I did that I refilled the fridge starting with small items, Mars Bars to be exact, OH MY FUCKING GOD I NEED A MARS BAR IN BATTER....STUPID COGNITIVE THOUGHT PROCESSING BRAIN, FUCK OFF..! Once I filled the fridge we got a little busy, what do people order? Souvlaki's and Hamburgers..........
My mind today, in a Nutshell:
Wake up 40 min's before shift
forget to eat breakfast
arrive at work
start cleaning fryer hoods
hear imaginary monster
have slight panic attack as you envision the grease monster eat your arms off
realise it's your tummy saying feed me.
BREAKFAST
BACON AND EGGS
CORN FLAKES
FRUIT AND CUSTARD
FUCKING MARS BAR IN FUCKING BATTER
SOUVLAKI
HAMBURGER
And this is where I start spiralling downwards into a hunger induced state of paranoia and confusion.
Will my stomach start to eat itself from sheer hunger? why is this even happening to me? what did I do to deserve this......?, Hi there, welcome to John's Fresh Catch, How can I help you today? blah blah order, change order blah, that comes to blah, you are ticket number 89 please take a seat. "MARS BAR IN BATTER MOTHERFUCKER". ARGH..! I'm going crazy from hunger.
Finally my shift ended, I got in my car and started to drive home, only to remember it was time for my stitches to come out, (I'll elaborate later) So I go and have my stitches removed and all the while can't stop thinking about my ever encompassing need to FUCKING EAT..!
Finally, nurse bitch stops cutting me and I can leave, YAY..! FOOD BABY HERE I COME..!
Get home, Put on pot of water, throw various amounts of high-flavour concentrated tomato products and olive oil in a pan, cook while boiling pasta, wait and wait and wait (I'm actually watching the pasta cook).
WOOT WOOT! IT'S FUCKING READY, HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU UNIVERSE YOU CUNT I FUCKING WON, I'M GONNA CHOW THIS FUCKER DOWN, YEEEAAAAHHHHH...!
And then I remembered why not to curse the universe, because as soon as I had the first mouth full I knew that I had angered the stars and they were exacting sweet revenge in a dish served way too hot. OUCH, FUCKER THAT HURT..! I said to the bowl, trying not to curse at the universe again.
So all I could think about was eating all friggin day and after all the things I had to go through to get to that bowl of delicious, delicious pasta, it was too hot and I burnt my mouth. So all I wanted, was to eat and what I got was a big bowl of fuck you. my bowl of pasta sat there staring into my soul and told me to FUCK OFF YOU STUPID CUNT, I'M WAY TOO HOT FOR YOU AND YOU KNOW IT! I'M STAYIN HOT FOR AGES AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT YOU FILTHY CUNT..! (I love the word cunt)
So the moral of the story today is that we should definitely eat a big breakfast or the grease monster will try to eat our arms off while our stomachs eat themselves and bowls of food exact sweet revenge for the universe.
Friday, 15 April 2011
My First Blog
I've never really written a blog before, so this might be a little short and or boring. But hey I might just fluke it and create an award winning entry. If you dislike the word Fuck or Cunt, then fuck off cunt, this post is not for you.
So my name's Alexi. I am 26 years young, I'm a cook in a fish and chip shop and live with my family somewhere in Melbourne's lesser Western suburbs. I have a really nice house that I hate with a passion and a family that would send even the sternest of minds wayward. (family post coming soon) On the bright side I do have this blog to keep me occupied.
In case you haven't yet figured it out, I really like the concept of grammar. I like being able to read what people are writing. Anyway, Today I drove an hour to my second job, (ballroom dancing coach) so I could teach for 2 hours and then drove another hour home. 4 hrs...! What the fuck? I really need to move closer to the city. I finished choreographing a Paso Doble a Cha Cha Cha and an American Jive. So I suppose it was a productive 4 hours. I teach at an exclusively Gay and Lesbian dance space, Dancecats.com.au, You're welcome for the free advertising Anny. Oh yeah and I'm gay. lol, I always forget to point that out usually people just look at me and know, but you cant see me so I suppose I'll have to put up a photo. Photo not working, I have compromised my Facebook security and allowed public viewing of photo's. Follow this http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=493932906765&set=a.439141791765.237686.727981765&type=1&theater
Like I said ppl just usually figure it out.
I don't really know why but im having trouble uploading a photo. Don't you hate it when all you want to do is upload something but your computer has other ideas? I'm like, choose photo, change file type, press open/upload.
Computer Says No...!!!!
If at first u don't succeed, try,try again and again and again and aFUCKING-GAIN...!!!!!!! FUCK YOU COMPUTER UPLOAD MY FUCKING PICTURE..!!! WHAT? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO SPEAK HTML...! UNIVERSE WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
But then my computer helps me download more porn and I'm happy again. :)
So who likes Lady Gaga? Oh my god I DO! Put your paws up...! I'm not quite sure where that one's from and since I don't really have paws I can't quite figure it out but it's a phrase that has passed through the most amazing set of lips in the universe and just because of that you should PUT YOUR FUCKING PAWS UP...!
As you can tell I'm quite the fan and were it possible for drag queens to be impregnated, I'd let Stephanie Germanotta fuck me up the ass..! I can't believe my spellcheck doesn't have Germanotta in it. (grammar obsession's ugly head rears) I also love Mary J Blige, Mariah, Pre-Crack Whitney, Pink and way too many other amazing artists to list.
Gosh, my little brother (Johnny, 20yo) just came in with my gay newspaper and simultaneously pointed to & recommended I attend S&M Speed Dating at the Owl and Pussycat in Richmond. Once again you're welcome for the free advertising Owl and Pussycat in Richmond. The add looks scary and I don't like S&M unless I'm playing the Rihanna game. There's seriously a man pretending to be a dog with a black eye and he's chewing on a squeaky chew toy..WHAT THE FUCK? I'm all for sexual exploration, just not whilst in the dungeon fantasizing about canines.
The Rihanna Game...!
Walk up to a stranger and ask them a completely unreasonable question. like so -
YOU: Hello stranger, would you mind being so kind as to unpick my wedgie?
STRANGER: Aaah, NO
YOU: Oh please, it's really uncomfortable and my hands are full ( you have a handbag and a bottle of water)
STRANGER: You're really freaking me out please go away
YOU: But my wedgie, it hurts, PLEEEEAAAASE?
STRANGER: OI CUNT I SAID NO, JESUS CHRIST NO..!!!
Then comes the line, from your mouth, making you the winner
YOU: NA NA NA NA NA COME ON!!!!
And that's the rihanna game..! :)
Who else is a procrastinator? If you guessed everybody then you would be right.
pro·cras·ti·nate (pr
-kr
s
t
-n
t
, pr-)
So my name's Alexi. I am 26 years young, I'm a cook in a fish and chip shop and live with my family somewhere in Melbourne's lesser Western suburbs. I have a really nice house that I hate with a passion and a family that would send even the sternest of minds wayward. (family post coming soon) On the bright side I do have this blog to keep me occupied.
In case you haven't yet figured it out, I really like the concept of grammar. I like being able to read what people are writing. Anyway, Today I drove an hour to my second job, (ballroom dancing coach) so I could teach for 2 hours and then drove another hour home. 4 hrs...! What the fuck? I really need to move closer to the city. I finished choreographing a Paso Doble a Cha Cha Cha and an American Jive. So I suppose it was a productive 4 hours. I teach at an exclusively Gay and Lesbian dance space, Dancecats.com.au, You're welcome for the free advertising Anny. Oh yeah and I'm gay. lol, I always forget to point that out usually people just look at me and know, but you cant see me so I suppose I'll have to put up a photo. Photo not working, I have compromised my Facebook security and allowed public viewing of photo's. Follow this http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=493932906765&set=a.439141791765.237686.727981765&type=1&theater
Like I said ppl just usually figure it out.
I don't really know why but im having trouble uploading a photo. Don't you hate it when all you want to do is upload something but your computer has other ideas? I'm like, choose photo, change file type, press open/upload.
Computer Says No...!!!!
If at first u don't succeed, try,try again and again and again and aFUCKING-GAIN...!!!!!!! FUCK YOU COMPUTER UPLOAD MY FUCKING PICTURE..!!! WHAT? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO SPEAK HTML...! UNIVERSE WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
But then my computer helps me download more porn and I'm happy again. :)
So who likes Lady Gaga? Oh my god I DO! Put your paws up...! I'm not quite sure where that one's from and since I don't really have paws I can't quite figure it out but it's a phrase that has passed through the most amazing set of lips in the universe and just because of that you should PUT YOUR FUCKING PAWS UP...!
As you can tell I'm quite the fan and were it possible for drag queens to be impregnated, I'd let Stephanie Germanotta fuck me up the ass..! I can't believe my spellcheck doesn't have Germanotta in it. (grammar obsession's ugly head rears) I also love Mary J Blige, Mariah, Pre-Crack Whitney, Pink and way too many other amazing artists to list.
Gosh, my little brother (Johnny, 20yo) just came in with my gay newspaper and simultaneously pointed to & recommended I attend S&M Speed Dating at the Owl and Pussycat in Richmond. Once again you're welcome for the free advertising Owl and Pussycat in Richmond. The add looks scary and I don't like S&M unless I'm playing the Rihanna game. There's seriously a man pretending to be a dog with a black eye and he's chewing on a squeaky chew toy..WHAT THE FUCK? I'm all for sexual exploration, just not whilst in the dungeon fantasizing about canines.
The Rihanna Game...!
Walk up to a stranger and ask them a completely unreasonable question. like so -
YOU: Hello stranger, would you mind being so kind as to unpick my wedgie?
STRANGER: Aaah, NO
YOU: Oh please, it's really uncomfortable and my hands are full ( you have a handbag and a bottle of water)
STRANGER: You're really freaking me out please go away
YOU: But my wedgie, it hurts, PLEEEEAAAASE?
STRANGER: OI CUNT I SAID NO, JESUS CHRIST NO..!!!
Then comes the line, from your mouth, making you the winner
YOU: NA NA NA NA NA COME ON!!!!
And that's the rihanna game..! :)
Who else is a procrastinator? If you guessed everybody then you would be right.
pro·cras·ti·nate (pr
-krst-nt, pr-)v. pro·cras·ti·nat·ed, pro·cras·ti·nat·ing, pro·cras·ti·nates
v.intr.
To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.
v.tr.
To postpone or delay needlessly
oh great now my margin has moved FUCK YOU, YOU CUNTING COMPUTER ARGH...!
See my pirate impression? I'm needlessly postponing feeding my babies. P.S. Babies = Dogs
I have a Shar-pei, her name is SHANIKWA and a miniature jack russel, his name is BALLS. I just can't be bothered with moving today. I think I need a lie down before work. Puppies I promise I'll feed you before work.
So that's my first blog, complete nonsensical rambling. My next ones will be far more entertaining I promise.
You'll hear from me soon I swear, as long as the procrastination monster doesn't eat me in my sleep.
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